The Beauty Love Left Behind

The Beauty Love Left Behind. A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it.  

I found this on www.pinterest.com
My cute neighbor sent me an invite to pinterest and I'm slowly (okay quickly) becoming addicted.
I fell in love with the above picture and poem and wanted to share it with you all.                

A short step in my shoes

I woke up the other morning with my husband by my side. Shortly after, the kids come leaping into our room with their fresh morning eyes, and bodies outstretched followed with yawns.
They say, with their sleepy morning voices, that they are hungry.
They are ready to start their day.
My husband insists that I stay in bed and get more sleep.
Next, I smell the fresh, sweet aroma of breakfast cooking.
I hear the giggling and the playing taking place in the kitchen below me as my husband flips pancakes and plays with the kids.
I get served breakfast in bed. The delicious food feels so good going down my stomach, feeding my little baby who so delicately grows inside of me.
I work on my book and hear more noises downstairs. This time from the living room. Each of the voices are filled with cheer and laughter. Bowling on the wii. I could imagine their smiles on their faces as I eagerly listen for more. I couldn't waste one more minute away from enjoying the blissful day with my family, so I close my laptop, jump out of my bed, and rush down the stairs.

This morning started early. Only an hour before the alarm goes off, and as I slowly drift off to sleep once more for the hundredth time, I'm woken by the sound of Mady running into my room crying. She had puked all over herself and her bed. I walk into her room and see Courtney silently sleeping with the puke barely missing her. Ben delicately moves her into our bed trying not to wake her.
Ben insists on him cleaning it up so I don't have to deal with the joys of cleaning up vomit.
I refuse to have him do it alone and he refuses to have me do it alone. We work on cleaning the mess up together. As I start the washer and mix the soap with the hot water, he brings the rest of the bedding downstairs while I throw them in the wash. He goes upstairs and draws Mady's bath water and gets her all cleaned up and dressed in fresh clean clothes.
As the day goes on, I see the delight and excitement in Ben, Courtney, and Madison's eyes as they play bowling on the wii. It's becoming a staple around here. My game was over, and I decided to sit the next game out. As I sit the next game out on the couch, I listen and watch with delight. I know how blessed I am to be right where I am at that very moment. Courtney gets a strike, once again, and she starts laughing. Mady's little voice is filled with excitement as she takes her turn. I hear Ben say, "ALLLLRIIIIGHHHT!!!!!!!!!" followed by a high five after the kids take their turn.
As the time approaches for Marshall to get out of school for the day, I insist on picking him up from school. I am anxious to indulge in the book I'm currently reading while I wait for my son to dash into the car after school lets out for the day. Shortly after the bell rings, I see my son running toward me with that smile of his that makes my heart melt.
When Marshall and I come home, we see Ben and Courtney playing Yahtzee at the kitchen table.

At night as I peak in on each of my kids and see that they have drifted off to sleep into a land that I can only imagine, I just stand there, taking in their beauty:
Their soft, beautiful, milky white skin. Each scar and hidden freckles defining them with more beauty.
Their cheeks and lips, pink and soft.
Their eyelashes reaching out to toward their cheeks.
Their soft hands that spend countless hours blessing the lives of others. I imagine what those hands will touch tomorrow. Where their hand prints will be left for all to see tomorrow.
I close my eyes and take it all in.
I couldn't imagine my life without them. I am blessed.
They are so little. They look up to me to guide their lives, to create a happy life for them, to teach them, to comfort them, to love them. And that's exactly what I will continue to do. They need me and I need them.
I imagine them looking up at me with their big blue eyes, with their hands outstretched waiting for me to guide the way. And that's just what I will continue to do with as much honor as any mother could possibly have.

As my Husband drifts off to sleep, I can't help but run my fingers through his hair. I love holding his hand while I drift off to sleep. His touch is so empowering and makes me feel safe. I know I am loved and protected. I know the kids are loved and protected. As I lay in his arms with our legs intertwined, I feel safe. As we lay like this, I am mesmerized by his every breath, and I drift off to sleep.

Some days get busy and overtaken with the worries of the world. But today, those worries subside, and the blessings are well known.

Christmas Eve 2011

We spent Christmas Eve at home, other than Ben and Marshall leaving to go get pizza, and Ben and Courtney leaving to deliver Christmas goodies. We spent the evening cleaning up so Santa didn't trip over anything, we ordered pizza from Pizza Hut for dinner, the kids opened their Christmas Eve pajamas and a family gift, we baked cookies for Santa and set them out with a glass of milk, and we watched the king is born with the kids wearing their new pajamas and munched on popcorn. This was seriously the best Christmas ever. It was nice, relaxing, and we didn't travel except for to church. It is a tradition I have made since my kids were little that we stay home on Christmas and enjoy each others company watching movies, playing with new toys, and eating our traditional Christmas dinner rather than travel around. I had the luxury as a child to stay at home all day on most Christmas' and we all loved it! I wouldn't want it any other way. Anyone is welcome to come visit us, but we stay home that day. We usually do our visiting before Christmas or the day after Christmas.
More about our Christmas day on my next post.

This is what our tree looked like before Santa came.
Courtney got her gifts wrapped in the blue wrapping paper
Madison got her gifts wrapped in the silver wrapping paper
and Marshall got his gifts wrapped in the gold wrapping paper

The kids opening their Christmas Eve pajamas. I didn't get a snap shot of the kids standing together in their Christmas Eve pajamas.
Marshall got Mario pajamas, Madison got Tinker Bell pajamas and Courtney got Dora the Explorer pajamas!

The kids opening the family gift

Our family gift: The Classic Fairy Tale Treasury Book

Next post, Christmas Day...... Stay tuned!

Happy Birthday Marshall! Your letter and pictures included.

*Marshall, you turned 8 a few weeks ago. I can't believe my baby boy is 8.
*I found out I was pregnant with you on May 8, 2003 in a charming, cute, little, brand-new, hard-wood floored twin-home apartment in Sturgis South Dakota. I was 18 years old.
*My first doctors appointment and ultrasound was May 29, 2003 with Dr. Church in Spear Fish South Dakota.
*My second doctors appointment and the first time I heard your heartbeat was June 25, 2003 with Dr. Besendorfer in Nephi Utah. Your heart was beating about 150 beats per minute.
*My third doctors appointment was July 23, 2003 with Dr Besendorfer in Nephi Utah.
*My second ultrasound was July 24, 2003. I found out that you are boy!
*My third ultrasound was August 12, 2003. It was with a specialist in Provo, Utah at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. Your cute little foot was 3cm long. The reason for the ultrasound was because they thought things in your brain were measuring off and that you may be basically a vegetable, and they thought you had problems with your heart. Needless to say, you were perfectly healthy and fine other than the problem with your heart which they detected when you were a few years old.
*My fourth doctors appointment was August 21, 2003 with Dr. Besendorfer in Nephi Utah.
*I felt you move in my stomach when I was 16 weeks pregnant.

Dear Marshall,
You are the coolest boy I know. You inspire me. You make me want to be a better person.
I love seeing your smile daily. There has not been a day go by that you don't smile. Even when you were in the hospital after your heart surgery, you were full of life and running down the halls just 2 days post surgery. You are so handsome. You are an abundance of love. You are such a great example of Christ. You are full of love and joy. It just shines from you. There is not a person that you wouldn't accept or love, no matter how badly they may have hurt you. You have been through more than any 8 year old boy deserves to have been through. You are strong because of it. You have been through some of my hardest years with me, and now you are experiencing my best years with me. You are amazing. Ben, your sisters and I love you more than life itself. You are everything to us. You are an amazing son and brother. You are loved by SO many. Don't ever forget who you are. You are special. You are meant for greatness. Thanks for blessing my life with you being my son. We are sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. We are blessed. Never forget to kneel down and pray. He is always there listening. And always remember that you can go to Ben and I about anything. We love you. Always have. Always will. Always hold the door open for people; it will never be uncool to do that no matter how many people stray away from being polite now days. Never be afraid to stand up for what you feel is right. Love your future wife and kids with all your heart. They will be your main purpose here on earth so treat them good. I know you will be the best husband and father thanks to the great example of Ben. We are blessed to have him and his great example in our lives. Play with your future kids every day. Create a close relationship with them from birth up. Always help your future wife take care of them. Never expect her to do it alone. This will benefit not just your future wife, but more importantly it will benefit your future children. Always remember to smile. Smile and say hi to strangers; it may just make their day. You never know what someone is going through, so never judge. Always forgive. Never question your self worth. You are so important. You can and will make a difference in many people's lives. Open your scriptures often; they will give you the guidance that no one else can in life. Always be polite. There will always be people who hurt you, and you will hurt others, so remember when you hurt someone how it felt when you were the one being hurt. Never let people push you around or tell you how to live your life. Just be happy. Life is too short to be miserable. Live life for the right reasons. Never give up easy. Better yet, never give up on what is right.
I know you will understand this advice much better when you are older, but just always remember these words of advice. I will be here everyday to help you through life. Ben and your sisters will always be here for you, too. We love you more than life itself.
So, Happy Birthday Marshall. You are amazing!

Love, Mom

(Click HERE to see his 7 year old birthday post)

I think the girls were just as excited as you were to have you open your gift. They helped me wrap your present and couldn't wait for you to open it.

You opened your present right before you and Madison headed out the door for school. You played with this present a few days and then it got tossed aside as Christmas approached and your new presents took precedence over your birthday toy.

For your birthday party Ben took you and 5 of your friends to fat jacks pizza and to the theater to watch Alvin and the Chimpmunks: Chipwrecked.

This is the box the pizza came in for your party.

 It was huge!

This box was almost as tall as Courtney when it was flipped like this.

 The pizza slices were huge!

 These are the cupcakes I made for your birthday party. I shaped them into an M for Marshall.

 This is the cake I made you on your actual birthday.

 The girls had fun eating the icing.

 Courtney was so sad because she got in trouble for taking her icing in the living room and getting it literally everywhere; the couch, the floor, etc...

She was so sad :(

 You on your birthday getting ready to blow out your candles.
Grandma and Grandpa Kouns were there along with Aunt Terrie, and cousins Shyanne and Dakota.

Happy Birthday, Marshall! We love you!

Skyscraper......

I am in love with Skyscraper by Demi Lovato. This song just empowers me. It floods back to my mind the memories of my past. This song is beautiful and fills my soul with the peace of knowing that I am overcoming my past. I have a long way to go, but I am on the path of overcoming. It will take a lifetime to overcome everything, and I know that I will not be able to fully overcome everything in this life, but I can grow and learn from my experiences in life. I can let my experiences overtake me, or I can overtake my experiences.

I put the song on my #1 spot on my playlist located at the bottom of my blog if you're interested in hearing the words. I love the whole song, but the chorus is my favorite:
"Do you have to make me feel like there is nothing left of me
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper"

I know the wrong doings that I have done that have caused much hurt and pain, but I also know the wrong doings that have been done unto me that have caused me much hurt and pain. I am thankful for my experiences as they have helped me learn and grow more than I ever thought possible. I now see life in a different light. It has a new beautiful, profound meaning to it.

I have so much I want to blog about, I just haven't made the time to blog about it.
I have created a new blog, I just haven't done anything with it yet. I am hoping to keep the new blog focused on deeper thoughts, and give more of an insight to the inner, deeper, passionate side of me, and keep this blog focused on my family.

Stay tuned for these upcoming blog posts:
Marshall's 8th birthday
Christmas
Marshall meeting his biological father for the first time since he was 2
The Polar Express
Dance recital
Tumbling fun
and stay tuned for something that I have been wanting to post for a long time..... sorry, that's all the information I'm willing to give for now. 

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!

Sleep is overrated..... right?

I wanted to post about my son's 8 birthday, but I didn't. I wanted to post about my son seeing his biological father for the first time since he was 2, but I didn't. I wanted to post about my favorite Christmas decorations on our tree, but I didn't. I wanted to pass out some yummy treats to all of my neighbors, friends and family here in town, but I didn't. I wanted to go over my budget, but I didn't. I wanted to get some sleep the past few nights, but I didn't. I wanted to stay home and relax on Christmas Eve with my family, but I can't. I wanted to make some changes to my traditional Christmas dinner this year, but I won't. This year I wanted to do an elegant, candle lit dinner for our family Christmas dinner, but I won't. I wanted all of my kids to feel bright and cheery on Christmas morning, but not all of them will to their fullest. I wanted to be done with Christmas shopping by now, but I'm not. I wanted to have all the Christmas wrapping done by now, but it's not.
The fact is that I'm a bit sleep deprived and overwhelmed.
This month we have basically lived at the children's pediatrician office, and had a glorious trip to the ER to top it off.
Over the course of a month, my girls have had strep throat. Courtney needed stitches. And Madison has had crazy high fevers of 104 since Tuesday. We have made 2 trips to the pediatrician's office over the past couple of days, she has been swabbed for strep throat twice- which came back negative, and the best guess from the doctor is that she has mono. She will probably be sick on Christmas day. Needless to say, there have been many many many many sleepless nights and exhausting days at our home.
However, it could be worse, so I'm thankful to deal with what we are dealing with and I'm thankful that it's nothing worse. I feel so bad for my kids as they are the victims of the sickness and owies around here.
So, my Christmas wish is that my kids will all be well and cheery come Christmas morning, and we can all have a relaxed, much needed, laid back, glorious Christmas day remembering the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
I'm sure this will be my last post before Christmas, and maybe even before the New Year, so Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year!

Sitting on Santa's lap

Last weekend we took the kids to see Santa! Santa sure was generous this year with the candy he gave out.

 Marshall and Madison didn't know what to ask Santa for. Courtney told Santa that she wants a dolly.

:)

Merry Christmas! 

Emergency Room

It's been hard to find the time or desire to blog the past little bit. Well I'm back and here is what's been going on.
Since Thanksgiving the girls have had strep throat. Courtney first then Madison. Strep throat and antibiotics are officially out of here. Whew!
The biggest thing that has happened is that Courtney had a fun night in the emergency room last week because she gashed her head open and had to get it stitched up. It was so sad.
That's 2 Emergency Room visits and 2 sets of stitches on the forehead this year. Marshall and Courtney are the not-so-lucky recipients of these events. Poor Madison was there when both of her siblings got hurt. She gets so scared with stuff like that. She has a great big heart and hates to see people get hurt. I was told that when Courtney got hurt, Madison ran into her Dad's bathtub, covered her eyes and started crying. When Marshall got hurt she cried and screamed louder than him. It just breaks my heart. She is such a loving and wonderful sister.
You can read about Marshall's stitches event HERE.
Anyway, we spent about 2 1/2 hours in the Emergency Room. They had to do a deep stitch below the outer layer of stitches. They did the dissolvable stitches (which I had to have my pediatrician take out), and they put steri strips over the top of the stitches. She had 5 stitches in that cute little head of hers.
When I saw her cut, I could see a hole. It looked like I could look into her skull. It literally tore through all of her skin and fat layers. She is one tough cookie who I love to pieces.
She was running and hit her head on the corner of a wall. Her Dad said it put a dent in his wall. My poor baby. I guess she didn't even cry at first.
Her stitches are now out and she is doing awesome. Her wound looks excellent! It is healing up great!
I never did get a day 1 photo. We didn't get home until about 11:30 that night. With it being such a long night, pictures were most definitely out of the question.

Day 2:

Day 5: Waiting in the waiting room of the pediatrician's office just before her pediatrician took out her stitches. Luckily I'm a paranoid Momma and took her to see her doctor rather than waiting for her stitches to dissolve. I was told that if I had waited, and her stitches would have stayed in longer, it would have probably scarred worse.
I love my kids' pediatrician. He.is.awesome!

Steri strips are off and we are waiting in the office for the doctor to take her stitches out.

                                          
Day 8: This is how it looks today. Her bruise under her eye is still visible. Poor baby!

It is looking and healing great! I couldn't be happier with the results!
The doctor's advice is for the next year to keep out of the sun as much as possible or to have her wear a hat and put sunscreen containing 50spf or higher on her wound before going out in the sun because the sun will make the scar worse. Also, not to waste money on the over the counter scar cream, mederma, because it doesn't work any better than vaseline. And finally, put aquaphor on her wound like 6+ times a day for the next 6 months. That's why you can see the glow around her wound. We are keeping her wound all aquaphored up!

Holding hands while sleeping

The other night while I checked on the kids, this is what I saw.......

 Madison and Courtney had fallen asleep holding hands. My heart just melted. I love the sisterly love.
I just had to take pictures.

Meanwhile, this little guy walked out in the hallway to see why my camera was flashing in is sisters' room. He is my night owl. Marshall usually takes awhile to finally doze off to sleep. He can be tired as ever and still be wide awake.

I must say, I have cute kids! They sure are fun!

Our big 1 year!

Happy one year anniversary to Ben and I! It has been a wonderful year. Lots of changes have occurred:
*We bought our first house together
*We bought a new car
*We have a darling baby girl due to join our family in March
Just to name a few big ones.
Something that hasn't changed over the past year is that we have continued to raise the cutest kids EVER. Seriously. Cutest. Kids. EVER!! We are blessed!!

Ben has taught me more about life than I ever thought was possible to understand.
He has made me feel beautiful, strong, and worthy.
He has taught me what it's like to be treated like a lady; a truly magnificent lady.
He has taught me how to have more patience. Well, he and the children have taught me how to have more patience :).
He has taught me how to forgive. Not just other people, but how to forgive myself as well.
But, most importantly, he has taught me to enjoy the simple things in life.
He is kind, patient, loving, generous, playful, fun, geeky (which I love because I need someone to go with my geekiness side), and the best guy around.
I didn't know guys like him existed. I thought they only existed in dreams and Disney movies. Boy, was I wrong! He is here and proof that prince charmings do exist outside of books and fairytale stories. He is my prince charming.
One word sums him up: A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!
So, Ben, thanks for being my truly charming and handsome prince. You rock my world.
Thanks for teaching me so much about the beautiful joys in life.
Thanks for always being my rock.
Thanks for spoiling me with the delicious breakfasts in bed, flowers, kisses, hugs, and love.
Thanks for allowing me to relax and take a breather as often as I need and as long as I need.
Thanks for the endless full body massages which are amazing.
Thanks for pushing me when I need to be pushed, and when life gets too tough, thanks for carrying me through the rough spots in life. You're always there helping me grow and get through those hard spots in life.
Thanks for never giving up on me. I know I'm not easy to live with at times, but you never complain and just compliment me on how you think I am truly amazing.
Thanks for your secret code 'I love you' hand squeezes to the kids and I. 
But, mostly importantly, thanks for being so amazing to the children. I love seeing their smiles and hearing their laughs daily. Seeing them enjoy their childhood to their fullest is truly the greatest blessing a mother could ask for.
Tonight, to celebrate our big 1 year, we are going to THE ROOF to eat dinner. Reservations are at 7. I'm so excited to dine while looking down at the beautiful temple lights and the beautifully lit temple grounds.
Afterwards we'll take a horse drawn carriage ride through the dashing streets of SLC.