Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Heavy heart

Tonight the minutes tick by effortlessly. Fast at first, until my mind becomes consumed by something that I've been trying to press away from my mind for a couple of weeks now.
Now that the fear has crept back in, the minutes seem to move by slowly. My eyes are just as heavy as my heart.
I took my son in for his yearly heart check-up. I was told that everything looks great. After that, the doctor followed by saying that three letter word that I always dread..... BUT. As she said that three letter word, my heart dropped. I tried to act calm as I was trying to convince myself that everything was fine. I'm used to preparing myself for bad news in a way that I can bear it. She told me that the left side of his heart is growing bigger than the right side of his heart. She doesn't know why, but they need to keep an eye on it.
My thoughts went something like this, "Okay. He's okay. He's okay, right? Yes, he's okay. No need to worry. What does that exactly mean though? One side of his heart is growing bigger than the other side? I have been told many worrisome things about my son before. Like when I was pregnant with him, I was told that he may be like a vegetable. He may not be able to walk, or talk. I was told that there was fluid around his heart, and that a part in his brain wasn't measuring correctly. Now look at him. He's the cutest, happiest, healthiest boy I know. He's a fighter. I've also been told that when I was pregnant with my daughter, Madison, that she may have cystic fibrosis. Well, she doesn't. She's the cutest, happiest, healthiest little 5 (almost 6 :)) year old girl I know. But what does this heart growing bigger on one side mean? He has to get his heart checked yearly for life anyway, so they should be able to catch it quick if something goes wrong. It will be okay..... right? Right!"
Well, the doctor told me not to worry, that it's nothing to worry about. They will just do an echo next year to see what his heart is doing, and they will keep an eye on it. She said that everything looks good from the surgery. But don't worry is the advice she gave me.
What I've been wondering this whole time is how on earth does she expect a mother not to worry after hearing something like that? I feel helpless. The not knowing is hard. I push it out of my mind the best I can because worrying will do no good for myself or my family. My focus is on being the best Wife and Mother that I can possibly be because that is the difference I can make in my family's lives now. I can make a difference now, right here in the present, and worrying will not help matters in a positive way.
But tonight, I lay here, typing, with a heavy heart. But knowing that we are blessed with having such a wonderful life, and knowing that tomorrow will be a beautiful new day, is what makes everything okay.


Rachael Cook said...

oh sweetheart. It is our job as mothers to worry. We worry when our child falls off their bike and skins their knees. We worry when they can't sleep, have nightmares, or are sad. So of course when you hear something as serious as the news with his heart. The one Organ that keeps the rest of his body going, breathing, working. It is only natural for you to be worried, how can you not? We worry everyday about them getting enough to eat, doing good at school, being happy with friends, and even if they are going potty okay, haha. Don't be too hard on your self. You are an amazing mother to your childnren. And it sounds like you have an amazing partner to lean on for love and support (which i am still dying to meet). I miss you SO much and think about your little family all of the time. You helped me through so much, and I will always love you for that. I am so happy for your new little baby girl. I can't wait to meet her. What a beautiful family you have. I love you and miss you SO much.

Rachel said...

I think they should tell you when you become a mother you will always worry.. Try and stay positive. I know easier said than done right? I have faith everything will work out for him. I'm glad he has to be checked every year. Just keep relying on the Lord and your family and friends to help you through.

Jamie said...

Thank you Racheal and Rachel! Your kind words help more than you realize!

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