Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Saying goodbye but only for a moment

It is 2:30 Christmas morning yet I can't seem to sleep. My heart is so full and joyful yet so heavy and sad.
Last Friday, Mady and Courtney's (2 of my daughters) dad and step-mom came to pick them up to take them out of state for 5 days for Christmas vacation. I tried to be happy for them, but as I held them so tight in my arms on the couch the hour before they left, I could feel my nerves twisting in my gut. My 4 year old daughter told me she was nervous to go to Idaho because she was afraid she would be too shy. I tried to calm her nerves by expressing optimism. When I was zipping their coats up for them to leave, I felt like I was going to puke. I held it together for them. I put a smile on my face and said as energetic as I could, "Merry Christmas! You will have so much fun. I'm going to miss you, but I'm glad you get to spend Christmas with your dad and step-mom, and you will have so much fun seeing and playing with your cousins, grandma, aunts, and uncles. I love you very much." I squeezed them in my arms so tight, and walked them outside. I sat on the porch and watched them for as long as I could handle, then walked in the house. My sweet husband could sense that I needed him because he was waiting for me just inside the door. I didn't have to say anything that was on my mind, he knew. He wrapped me in his arms and my tears streamed quickly onto his shoulder. Through my tears, I managed to say, "This just isn't fair. I miss them so much. No mother should ever have to be away from their child on Christmas. There is no love like a mother has for her child. No one loves them more than I do." This was a very weak moment of mine. Yes, I was being extremely selfish, this I know. I dried my eyes, and put on a smile for my other 2 wonderful children.
The reason I share this extremely personal (and selfish) experience is out of inspiration far greater than I understand. Inspiration from my loving Heavenly Father. I know there are people out there struggling with this very situation. I want you all to know that I understand. I know it's hard. But I also know that time and trusting in the Lord makes it easier. I know that God works in mysterious ways. I know that these experiences will make me stronger. It is hard. The hardest thing I have ever went through. I love my kids more than life itself. When they are away, a part of me is gone with them. Keep the faith. God will never abandon us.
I'm not proud of my mistakes and down moments, but I won't hide behind a shadow and not share what I know my Heavenly Father wants me to share just because I'm scared of being judged. Maybe this is to humble me, maybe it is supposed to help someone else. This I do not yet know. But, I know I will gratefully do God's work.
Merry Christmas to all. May we all remember Christ while we celebrate His birth!


Ashley said...

I LOVE reading your post because I feel like we have many if the same experiences in a small way!! You are so good at putting it into words!!! I am always wanting to be better at soooo many things after reading your post! You are such a strong person and I feel your sweet sweet spirit in your words! I want to thank you for sharing your special experiences!!! :D

Jamie said...

Thank you for your kind words Ashley! They mean a lot to me! That makes me so happy! Thank you for reading, and for being a great friend to me! :)

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