|Me and my baby Courtney. This picture was taken a couple of years ago. I just LOVE LOVE LOVE kissing my kids soft, cute, little rosy cheeks.|
Think back to when you were a child. Can you envision the way things were? Can you feel the way you felt? Can you remember how it felt on Christmas Eve when you tried to fall asleep but every sound thrilled you because of the thought that Santa just might be there that very moment? Remember when it snowed and it was a marvelous thing and all you wanted to do was go out and play in it? Now when the snow falls, it's a burden because we have to drive in it, or it's simply too cold. Remember when life seemed perfect? When the biggest worry was that when bedtime drew nearer that meant the end to all the fun and playing? Remember dreaming as a little girl of becoming a wife and a mother? Remember carrying your baby dolls around cradling them, rocking them, singing to them, and pretending they were your very own child? I now get to see my little girls doing this. It is absolutely blissful for me to watch and listen as they enjoy their childhood just as a little child should. Remember how easy and perfect this dream of adulthood all seemed and you knew, you just knew, that this is how the future would be? But life never turns out how you expect. For me I never imagined I'd ever go through a divorce, let alone 2 of them. Divorce is one of the most painful things in life. I worried what a failure I was. I worried what others must think of me. I worried about what I thought of myself. There were times, and sometimes still are times, that I look in the mirror at myself and just cry. As the tears stream I would say aloud how much I hate myself. Even though I don't hate myself, the pain seemed too much to bear, to breath, to move, to go forward, to live. I never envisioned I would have to ever feel pain to a bigger extent than the pain from stubbing my toe or breaking a bone. To me, my life would be absolutely picture perfect. There would be no worries, no pain, just pure blissful happiness. Then the years went by. I grew up. I learned the hard way. I have felt pain, as all of us have, more than any pain of bones being broken. Even all of my bones in my body being broke seemed like a better pain than the pain I was feeling inside at my lowest moments. I lived and I learned. I felt pain and I cried. I wept and felt like there was nothing left of me. And then, through the grace of God, I was shown that life isn't going to be perfect. Ever. It was never meant to be. And that is simply okay. That we all have to experience our trials. That we all make mistakes that we can never undo. And that we all have worries. And that I am NOT a failure. I awoke to a better life than I had ever envisioned. I am blessed. Even through the midst of our pain and misery, we are still blessed. We just choose not to see it sometimes, because it is simply hardest to see it at those times, but it is most important to see them at those times. I struggle. I will always struggle. I still cry. And that is simply okay. I still grieve for the loss of things I have lost. I live through the pain. I go straight through it, not around it. And that is simply the only way to grow and overcome. We are all clueless in our own little ways and certain experiences we go through helps us understand just a little bit more. I am blessed to have a wonderful Husband who treats me with respect and cherishes me. I can tell him every thought that goes through my mind. He is not too proud to tell me when I'm wrong. He has been through a lot and teaches me the true meaning of life and has taught me that it's okay to grieve over what has happened in my past. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to stop crying; whether it be one more day or a lifetime. It is simply okay, because I am human and life is about growing and that is simply what I am doing. I don't put on a show and pretend that I'm okay all the time and that life is perfect, because life is far from perfect. But, life is so so beautiful! Far more beautiful then I could have ever envisioned as a clueless little girl. I am blessed to have 3 amazing little children and 1 more amazing child on the way. Motherhood has blessed my life in more ways than I can express. It has taught me so much. We are all healthy. We all have each other. We have a great life. We have the knowledge of the true restored Gospel. We know that families can be together forever. Even after death. For eternity. These are just a few of my greatest blessings that keep me going each and every day. I'm not sure where this post came from. A thought came to my mind and I had an inspiration to just type. The words seem to keep coming. If this helps even one soul then I'm happy. Life is hard, but life is great. Smile. Always remember to smile.
After the kids went to bed, Ben made him and I some hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. One of the kids needed us. Ben made his way upstairs. As Ben was upstairs I sprinkled some pumpkin spice on the whipped cream to make it look pretty. I'm all about things looking cute and pretty. I then put a sticky note on his cup. It said, "I love you! Thanks for the hot chocolate!" Now I am typing, sipping my hot chocolate and watching the fire in the fireplace. I am right where I want to be. My kids are fast asleep, warm in their beds. My Husband is snuggled in the blankets of our bed waiting for me to come snuggle up to him. And I am downstairs glorifying in my magnificent blessings from God that are right upstairs. Right in kissing and snuggling distance.